Some of these are good and should be remembered and used, some are rude and arrogant, but mostly these are all quite funny.

1. “Is it the cigar smoke that bothers you, or the sight of someone enjoying himself?”
2. (The Response Literal:) “Put out this cigar? Seems kind of silly, but sure. Now wait a sec while I light another…”
3. (The Response Coy:) “I’d love to, but I’m afraid you’d think I’m easy.”
4. (The Response Ingenuous:) “What a coincidence! You’re the third person to ask me tha—oh, it’s you again.”
5. (The Response Juvenile:) “Who died and made you the Fun Patrol?”
6. (The Response Existential:) “What does it matter?”
7. (The Response Newlywed:) “Gosh, darling, our first fight. And just think, we’ll be able to repeat it every time I light up.”
8. (The Response Recidivist:) “My parole officer says it steadies my nerves.”
9. (The Lie Direct:) “I’m not smoking.”
10. (The Lie Circumstantial:) “Were I smoking, your request, however rude, might be worthy of reply.”

11. (The Retort Courteous, to female jerk:) “My cigar is beautifully made, gives pleasure, and is silent. You, madam, possess two of these virtues.”
12. (The Countercheck Quarrelsome:) “If I do, sir, upon whom shall we blame the stink?” [Or madam.]
13. (The Quip Modest, to female jerk:) “Madam, your advances are untimely and unexpected, but not unwelcome. Perhaps after I’ve finished this cigar.”
14. (The Reproof Valiant, to male jerk:) “Sir, we are both blowing smoke, but I at least have the courtesy to be smoking a fine cigar.”
15. (Among Yuppies:) “It depends. How much do you make?”
16. (Among Trivial Pursuers:) “Wait! Don’t tell me! ‘Put out that #(!&!$ cigar!’ Bogey. Casablanca, 1943. And Ingrid Bergman replies, ‘Why do I only get that from guys who are lousy in bed?’”
17. “No one said anything about my cigar when I was raising the flag on Iwo Jima.” [Or liberating Kuwait City.]
18. (Among Wassailers:) “No, and all God’s blessings this holiday season.”
19. (The Charles Bronson:) “Any other last requests?”
20. (The Emily Post:) “I’ve often wondered which is ruder: smoking a cigar or interrupting a total stranger?”
21. (The Clint Eastwood:) “Think of me as a grenade. This cigar is my pin. I might be a dud of a grenade. Well, punk, do you feel lucky today? Is he a dud or a live grenade? Go ahead, pull my pin.”
22. (The Tom Paine:) “No, but I’ll defend to the death your right to ask me.”
23. (The Randy Newman:) “Your growth is already stunted; don’t worry about mine.”
24. “Let me know if there’s anything you enjoy. I’ll come around and ask you to stop.”
25. (At a singles bar:) “I can’t. I’m researching a novel.”
26. (At a singles bar; Some Like It Haughty:) “What a great icebreaker! I applaud your moxie. If I were of your class, I would never dream of approaching someone like me.”
27. (At a singles bar; the Fool’s Bluff:) “I’m an artist. My medium is smoke.”
28. (At a singles bar; the Cut Indirect:) “Doctors say people with sensitive noses are sexually repressed. Kiss me.”
29. (At a singles bar, for a female jerk:) “I’m sorry. I mistook you for a woman in her prime.”
30. (At a singles bar, for a male jerk:) “I’m sorry. I mistook you for a straight.”
31. “If I can’t smoke near lowlife like you, where can I smoke?”
32. (At a class reunion:) “Does the smoke bother your nose job?”
33. (At the wheel:) “No problem. I don’t need a cigar to keep me awake… not at night… zz-zz-zzzzzz…”
34. (At a house party:) “I see our host invited all kinds.”
35. (At a barbecue:) “I’m just doing this to keep bugs away. Guess it isn’t working.”
36. (At a wrestling match:) “Why? Is it interfering with your enjoyment of mindless violence?” [Also suitable for football, hockey, or most TV.]
37. “If I do, what will it leave you to whine about?”
38. (The Team Player’s Move:) “I’d like to help you out. It’s just that you caught me at a bad time—I’m smoking a cigar right now.”
39. (The Backhand Return:) “God, I admire people who aren’t afraid to be disliked.”
40. (The Pensive Parry:) [pause to savor your cigar] “Every time I light up, somebody asks me that.”
41. (The Sympathy Play:) “Don’t you know I only have a week to live? Who put you up to this?”
42. (The Sicilian Gambit:) “Sure, I’ll put it out. Vinnie—remember that face.”
43. (The Appeal to Simple Justice:) “You’re the third person to ask me that. And if I said yes now, it wouldn’t be fair to the others.”
44. (The NRA Recoil:) “If cigars are outlawed, only outlaws will have cigars.”
45. (The Civil Servant Squelch:) “I’m only authorized to light ‘em, not put ‘em out. You need a GS-17. Besides, I’m on my lunch break.”
46. (The Diner’s Club:) “Put out that food. I’m trying to smoke.”
47. (The Postprandial Cordial:) “Oops, I don’t have an ashtray. Would you pass me your plate?”
48. (The Sharp Salute:) “Yes, sir, Captain Bringdown. Sir!”
49. “I’ll bet you’re looking forward to martial law.”
50. (When in Moscow; the Red Scare:) “Give me your name and the names of all who feel this way.”
51. (The California Turn-down:) “I hear you. I know where you’re coming from. I just can’t get behind it.”
52. (The Hell’s Kitchen Kiss-off:) “What difference does it make? You’ll still be ugly.”
53. “You must have a lot to think about.”
54. (To a wealthy snob:) “Why? Are you waiting around for the butt?”
55. (To a health nut:) “I’ll have you know this cigar is natural, organic, and without artificial ingredients, which is more than I can say for your Gore-tex shorts, granola breath!”
56. (To a lawyer:) “I hope you’re not singling me out. You get paid good money to torment people.” [Also works with doctors and dentists.]
57. (To a flashy dresser:) “Sure, if you’ll turn down the volume on your jacket.”
58. (To a four-year-old:) “Make me.”
59. (To a pretty woman:) “Yes, but that cannot extinguish the fire in (a) my heart. (b) your eyes. (c) your hair.”
60. (To an indignant young thing:) “I like a filly with spirit.”
61. (To a feminist:) “You’ve got the wrong guy. I’m neither your father nor all men.”
62. (To a dog owner:) “Certainly. [to dog:] Gimme paw.”
63. (To a dog-walker in the park:) “Sure. Say, there’s something on the bottom of my shoe. Could you kind of flick it off for me?”
64. (To a foreigner:) [Point to your watch and say loudly] “It’s three twenty-five!”
65. (To a gum-chewer) “I’d like to, but unlike you, I can’t stick my oral fixation under a table.”
66. (To a comedy writer:) “I can’t hear you, I’ve got a cigar in my mouth.”
67. (To a neighbor:) “As long as we’re getting rid of nuisances, how about your family?”
68. (To a shrink:) “What’s really bothering you?”
69. (To a jogger:) “Hey, sorry about Jim Fixx.”
70. “Can I see some ID?”
71. (The Phil Donahue smarm-out:) [loudly] “Thank you for sharing. Let’s open it up. [using cigar as microphone] How does the rest of the restaurant feel? Help me out here!” [This can backfire!]
72. (At a nice four-star French restaurant:) [loudly] “Hey, buddy! If you don’t have any money, you should have thought of that before you ordered!”
73. (At a church social:) [loudly] “Go peddle your child pornography elsewhere!”
74. (At the deli:) [loudly] “No, I won’t sign your petition to pardon Nazi war criminals!”
75. “How ironic… I lit this to keep you away.”
76. (To a prim spinster:) [loudly] “But you said you liked it last night at the No-Tell Motel!”
77. (The hand-out card approach:) [Hand the jerk a card which reads:] “You have just insulted a very wealthy person.”

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